The Poor Hermit

Wilmington, NC: The Tarrymore: Airlie Gardens Suite Balcony

Rage

Triggered by a stupid superhero card game on my phone

And it feels like my chest

Might explode

Shrapneling bone and blood and blast

All the fuck over

How my feelings on a place can sour

Sour feelings

Sour finances

Sour secrets

Along the Cape Fear River

A quiet little beachy town

And I’m officially done with beachy towns

Except I’m near-doomed to them

For months

Expensive

Months

But isn’t this what I wanted?

To travel and escape the winter?

To see new places and to be warm?

I’ve done it

So why am I so

Absolutely

Miserable?

It’s getting harder

To keep these feelings in check

They feel

Rapturous

Explosive

And all-consuming

Constant disappointment

And yet I keep setting myself up for failure

Chasing video games

Overly-expensive Airbnbs

And wild ones

Ticks and HIV scares

Nature’s not fucking around anymore

Not to be romanticized

Do I need a new narrative to chase

Yet again?

A story thread to hold my focus

Time to chase the broken ones instead

Maybe.

Maybe they can repair me.

I’m in a somber, slow town

And it’s killing me

I thought my soul wanted this

But all I want to do

Is rip my face off

I’m losing words left and right

Grasping at straws and laws and old flaws

Forced into hermit habits

Unhappily

Why is gratitude so hard to hold

Down here living an absolute dream?