Pathetic Humans

This road was the busiest in the city. A mile down, it was lined by monumental sutures of glass and steel. Here, though, on this spot, it was filled with trees and felt a little more spacious. Less claustrophobic. A bone-colored brutalist structure towered behind the trees, all angles and forms and concrete. Mint green street lamps reached into the blue sky. Traffic was steady but not congested.

The world simply hummed along. It was evening, and thousands of vehicles had already moved above the concrete that day. But something was off below. Something was stirring.

There was a scratch just below the pavement. Of course, no one noticed. It was faint, and the sound of the traffic easily drowned it out. But the scratching continued underneath one of the white stripes. The spot was pummeled by a vehicle every few seconds, sometimes much more frequently. Despite the weight of the steel, the scraping was incessant. It continued on into the night, and its intensity and volume increased. It was furious.

What was entombed there? By dawn, it had shifted to a banging as if something was trying to force itself up from the underworld. Maybe it was. People walking by began to notice then. Within an hour, the ground began to tremble and quake. The vehicles passed much more slowly; their drivers wearing looks of fear and trepidation.

Suddenly, the ground split open with a thunderous crack. A chasm widened as the pavement began to collapse and sink. Pipes burst and hissed. Water and gas spewed everywhere. Traffic came to a halt and people ran screaming as the chasm boomed and belched fire into the sky. Tongues of fire licked the air and began to curl into what looked like lips. They began to speak.

“Teensy humans!” thundered the mouth of fire. “Listen, for there is a message from the world below yours!” Those nearby stopped in a mix of both awe and fear. People took out their phones and began to record the impending missive.

“As you can see, we are masters of fire and earth! We have spent ages learning your tongues, and we will raze your cities to the ground in a molten fury if our demands are not met!”

“What do you want?” shouted someone from the crowd nearby.

“We have heard great things about something called ‘chocolate’,” said the voice. “We desire some!”

“That’s it?” asked another person nearby.

“Maybe different kinds of chocolate? Three! Bring us three kinds of chocolate or we will deliver your world to its inevitable end!”

Someone ran to a nearby convenience store and grabbed three different candy bars. They ran back to the street and tossed them into the gaping maw in the ground.

“Delicious!” shouted the voice as the chasm began to narrow. It quickly closed and the flames were gone.

The people nearby waited for some time. After it seemed like the emergency had passed, they lowered their phones. Many stood by dumbfounded.

“The fuck was that?” asked a man as the traffic began to move again. The ground quaked for a brief second and split open again in flame. The cars careened down into the flames with their drivers screaming.

“Bring us four new kinds of chocolate!” ordered the familiar voice.

“But you just killed those people!” yelled someone in reply. There was a pause.

“We will return your fellow humans when you bring us five new kinds of chocolate!”

“Is it four or is it five now?”

“Five kinds of chocolate!” shouted the terrifying voice.

“Hold on a minute,” said someone they jogged to the same connivence store. They grabbed a handful of new candy bars.

“Here,” they said as they tossed them into the ground.

“Just as delicious! Except the one! The one is less delicious!” The chasm belched up the cars with their drivers still screaming as they landed on the pavement nearby, mostly unharmed.

There was another pause as the hole hung open. “Bring us more chocolate! Six new kinds of chocolate!”

“I think that’s all the different kinds from this store,” said another man nearby.

“We’re out around here."

“Useless human!” Shouted the voice as a stone spewed from the ground and struck him on the head. “Bring more chocolate!”

“It’s gonna take some time,” said a woman. “We haven’t exactly been keeping track of the different kinds we’ve given you so far.”

The ground roared and the chasm widened by a few feet. Fresh flames erupted into the air. The woman — looking visibly annoyed — calmly walked over to the store and grabbed another handful of candy bars.

“Take these,” she said. “I don’t know if they’re new, but they’ll have to do.”

“Delicious!” roared the voice. “Acceptable!” The chasm sealed itself shut once again for a moment. The people remained a safe distance away. It opened again after a moment. This time, the hole was no more than two feet wide. The familiar flames rose into the sky and formed into lips once more.

“Pathetic humans!” said the voice. “You will begin throwing daily offerings of chocolate down this chasm or we will swallow your city whole in a tempest of frenzied fire!”

Since humans in the area hadn’t encountered a voice like this in generations, they decided to comply. Deep down, much of humanity missed interacting with the gods and local nature spirits, and while this one certainly had an attitude and was awfully pushy, it was nice to know there was someone — something — else down below. And what was the price of a few candy bars a week?

Every time someone threw chocolate into the whole, the voice boomed in reply. Usually it was an insult towards humanity in general. After a couple months, a small shrine began to appear. Someone left wood carvings of a couple M&Ms characters. Another person left a copy of the book “The Three Musketeers.” A third person created a sign that said “Feed the sinkhole chocolate daily or we all die.” Below the text was a smiley face.

Over time, the shrine grew and grew. The street had to eventually be converted into a roundabout with the chasm in the middle. The hole never quaked, never grew. It only insulted after offerings. Tales were spun about the beings from the underworld and their connection with chocolate. Some said that dark chocolate was preferred due to it being black like the underworld. They claimed the insults were less biting when dark chocolate was offered, though it was all rumor and conjecture.

Generations later, the ground began to quake again. “Pathetic humans!” thundered the voice that hadn’t been heard in hundreds of years. “We tire of your chocolate offerings!” The nearby humans scratched their heads in amazement. Traffic continued around in the circle, and the small hole suddenly closed up without reason or explanation.